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Denial vs. Anger

It's been a little more than 2 weeks now and somehow I think I still haven't made any progress. The easiest part were the first 24 hours because I was in total denial mode. During these hours I basically felt nothing due to the fact that I didn't understand what had happened to me. And suddently the pain kicked in and riped my life apart.

During the first days I thought I had passed the stage of denial. Far from it! I was switching between denial and anger basically a thousand times a day.  When I was in denial I was full of hope. Every time the door rang or my phone rang or I got an e-mail I was hoping it would be her admitting she made a big mistake. It took me at least a weak until I finally realized that everything has changed and won't go back to "normal"!

This means that I currently in "Anger" mode. But the strangest thing is that I am not angry with her or mad at her. All my anger is turned towards myself. I keep asking myself thousands of questions and they all start with "why did I ..:" or "why didn't I..." or "why was I ..." or "why wasn't I .."! Up until now I didn't start questioning her behaviour but I know that I have to that soon.

I have to admit I am both a little upset with her and absolutely sad about the way she ended our relationship. For here there was no "we in us, only an I"!

Finally a nice quote I read last night after my last blog entry which expresses exactly how I feel and I want to share it with you.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

1 Kommentar 29.1.11 23:56, kommentieren

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The break up

In order for you to understand my way through the five stages of grief I have to tell you about the break up.

It was a Tuesday when I saw the love of my life the last time but we have had already made the plan to meet the following Friday night after I was done with my orchestra rehearsal. Throughout the week we spoke on the phone just like every other day. During our call on Thursday she told me that she would already come by on Friday afternoon before I would go to my rehearsal. I was so happy to hear that because I thought we would have more time together.

Finally it was Friday afternoon and I was waiting for the door bell to rang and to being able to hug and squeeze her. Up until she entered the living room and I looked at her face everything was normal. And then I heard the words everybody hates, "we need to talk". And all of a sudden I knew that it was over even though I couldn't think of any reason why she was about to break up with me. 

The reasons she told me were that her feelings changed and that she couldn't see a future with me. Another reason was that she thought that I stopped moving on one and a half years ago!  And here comes the worst part, she met someone else she likes and he was the reason she started thinking about us and came to the conclusion to break up with me. We have been a couple for more than 10 years and it took her only two weeks of thinking to decide that we are over. One other reason for her to break up with me was that her family and I had an argument a few years back and haven't had contact ever since. Over the last years she never told me that the situation was a big issue for her, but now it is!

Due to the fact that we haven't had a lot of arguments at all and that she never ever mentioned anything to me or tried to talk to me about these things. Even though I asked her a lot of times if something is wrong or if she has any sorrows she didn't say anything to me. Unfortunately she didn't want to talk to me about that in order not to ruin the rare time we have had together due to our long distance relationship. So she finally kept it all to herself and stopped loving me.

As you may or may not see this break up came out of the blue for me! And now I am supposed to stop loving the love of my life just because she did the same. But to be honest I have no clue how I should to that!

 Even though I know that SHE is through with us I keep going back and forth between denial and anger but I for today or better tonight I have written enough and will continue with how I am dealing with these two stages of grief soon.

1 Kommentar 30.1.11 00:30, kommentieren

The first two stages of grief

This blog entry is just to give you a brief overview about the first 2 stages of grief. The short descriptions do only cover my explaination for the loss due to a break-up.

1. Denial:
You totally deny the new and probably unexpected situation. You are not willing to accept that everything has changed. It may also take you quite a while to realize what has happend to you.

2. Anger:
Usually during this stage you will blame the person who is responsible for your pain. But due to a really bad break up, especially after your partner walked out on you, you will start both questioning and blaming yourself as well.

1 Kommentar 22.1.11 21:43, kommentieren

5 stages of grief after a break up

Due to the fact that the love of my life walked out on me I am willing to share my way through the 5 stages of grief. I am going to write about the back and forth throughout all stages and I also will try to express the variety of emotions that I may encounter over the next couple of weeks or months.

1 Kommentar 18.1.11 03:22, kommentieren